Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Reformation - standing there looking up

Here we are on New Years Eve. I guess now is when I'm supposed to reminisce on the past year. In this case on 2013. So here goes: 2013 was a lot of fun, but it also pretty nearly destroyed me.

In fact it may actually have destroyed me. Maybe devastated is a better word. Devastated in the sense that quite a number of things I always feared would completely break me if they ever happened did happen. And I did break. At least a couple times and in more than one place. I don't know if I'm comfortable saying that I hit the bottom, but I did hit a bottom in my own life. A lot of things I thought were fundamental parts of who I am turned out to be completely useless. When I realized that, I landed in a place where a number of  other things I'd relied on for strength through realizations like that over the past few years of my as-of-yet pretty brief adult and teenage life couldn't help me at all.

This isn't a completely sad story though (if you can even call the entirely vague and unhelpful generalities I've been speaking in for the last paragraph a story), because while I'd often quite anxiously imagined what it would be like hit that level, I never really imagined what it would be like to stand there looking up.

It turns out, having no option but to completely rebuild yourself almost from scratch is an opportunity. I'd be lying if I said I came to that conclusion all at once, or that I haven't doubted it numerous times over the last few months, but it is true, and it is happening. It's an opportunity to rebuild a version of myself that's strong in the places I was weak before. That's been the last couple months for me, but standing here on the outer rim of this year, I can't help but feel like it's more than that.

I'm changing––or rather being changed––into something in many ways altogether different. Maybe re-tasked is almost more what it feels like. Or reformed, if you'll excuse my using such a loaded word. So many doors getting so resoundingly shut and so many dreams that had been fading for a long time finally completely disappearing this year finally forced me to look at a couple possibilities I'd never even considered as possibilities since I was a little kid. Simply because at some point they started to terrify me. While they still do terrify me though, they've also started to do something I didn't expect: Excite me. In a way I haven't felt in a long time.

So it's not over. In fact it's hardly even begun, and it's kind of unnerving to think how much more I'll probably have to change before it has. I don't know exactly what God has for me in the immediate future, and I may be giving up a lot of things and gaining others before it's through.

It's happening though. I believe something's happening, and for that I'm grateful.


Lauren T said...

Inspiring. Thank you.

Lauren T said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Andrew said...

Thanks, Lauren.