Thursday, June 04, 2009

I Need a Visit From Gandalf

Time has been flying past for the last month. I only hope that the entire summer doesn't burn up this quickly!

I'm in the strange place of not knowing where I'm going... although if anything, it's more of a familiar place than a strange one now days. I have no plan, and it seems like I have several different forces all vying to become my plan, and while I'm afraid to say no to any of them, I am unable to completely pursue any of them either. Vague desires are hard to turn into reality.

I think one of my main problems that my main decision making process usually involves closing my eyes and jumping. This has worked at times, like going to Europe for instance... I get a wild, half brained opportunity laid in front of me and go for it with a short prayer and absolutely no plan. Now though, I feel like I'm in, or back in, a place where the only options I have are all things that I will have to chase down and tackle. Things that will require vision and focus every step of the way (things that I'm in very short supply of) and not just a few simple yes or no decisions in a few rare moments of irrational confidence.

In addition to vision and focus, I also have a serious deficit in assertiveness, determination and confidence, that makes it almost impossible to push through anything if anyone attempts to discourage me from it, as some people inevitably will. If things don't line up right along the way, then I automatically assume that the problem is on my end, and am afraid to even ask about it. Even things like registering for classes or applying for an expanded line of credit seem like insurmountable problems that I dare not approach.

So I guess what I'm hoping and praying for, in my vague, second guessing fashion, is that sometime in the very near future, I'll be confronted with an amazing and exiting opportunity for the next chapter of my life that I'll be to crazy to say no to.

1 comment:

sherlock said...

It's horribly pedestrian, but I'll say it,
I hope everything works out for you dude.

I can sympathize with a lack of assertiveness and confidence. Though sometimes the only person who ever discourages me from things is myself.