Sunday, October 04, 2015

I've stopped blogging - and it makes me sad

Next month would've marked the 10th anniversary of my writing on this blog. When I uploaded my first post nearly ten years ago––something about an unsuccessful day of attempting to shoot deer in the woods on my grandpa's farm––I could've hardly imagined what a big part of my life journey it would end up being. The good times, the not-good times, the questions, the adventures, the failures, the triumphs and the in-between that most of life is actually comprised of, nearly all got processed, celebrated or vented through blogging. And this blog was always the venue.

I say "would've marked the 10th anniversary," because, very sadly and unexpectedly––most of all to myself––my days of writing on this blog have come to an end. It's not an announcement so much as just an observation: I've stopped writing. I just went two straight months without a word––in the 9 years previous I'd never gone more than two weeks.

When I left the US and set off on this adventure a little over a year ago, I had high hopes for writing about my travels, experiences, and the people I got to know along the way. What I didn't quite foresee, though, is that doing all those things would have some side-affects. One of those was losing my ability to really be completely open with anyone.

Being funny, informative and insightful were all things that I strove for––successfully or not––in what I wrote on this blog over the years. In the end, though, those weren't ever really the object. The object was to be open and honest about my life––struggles, questions and frustrations not withstanding.

These days though, my life has become complicated. I've become a lot of different things to a lot of different groups, and––tragically at times––a lot depends on me being those things.

And if you're sitting there reading this thinking: "I know exactly what he's talking about," you probably shouldn't be so sure. It's not a situation where one group knows everything and the others know something. You probably know something. The list of people I can really level with is getting desperately short.

The great tragedy of the whole situation is that it doesn't leave much room at all for open and honest writing.

It just keeps getting more and more difficult––and so I've done it less and less.

I suppose I could just go on and try to write funny, informative or insightful posts about happenstance things without plumbing the depths of my soul too deep or communicating anything meaningful about my hopes, fears or plans.

But like I said, those things aren't the point. I believe being open with each other as people is one of the most important and basic things we can do. And more than that, regardless of whatever kind of ludicrousness I've got wrapped up in lately, being honest is still a part of who I am as a person. If keeping that comes down to just not saying anything, then I guess I should be prepared to do that.

So it's with a certain amount of sadness that, on the eve of ten years of blogging, I have to say that I've officially stopped.

Hopefully it's more of a hibernation than a retirement. It may well be that in a year or two things will be clearer than they are now.

At any rate, thanks for reading.

Andrew