Thursday, June 20, 2013

New

I'm in a somewhat unusual state right now. And not really in a bad way, although how I got here wasn't that good. Sunday in church I kept feeling horribly cold all through the service, and then that afternoon started coming down with lots of typical head cold symptoms. It came on slowly though, and for the last three days I kept on thinking I was "beating it" or just around the corner from being better. I even kept running and tried to do everything I'd normally do if I hadn't been sick. Then yesterday I started feeling really cold again, like anytime I was in the shade for even a couple seconds I was cold. By yesterday evening I had full blown chills and lying in bed last night I felt sure I had a fever. But when I took my temperature sometime after midnight, I didn't––in fact it was slightly low. So I went back to my bed and shivered fitfully with strange thoughts and scenarios going through my mind (it probably didn't help that I recently read The Sheltering Sky, the majority of which is one character's thoughts as he slowly succumbs to typhoid fever) until 4am when I finally blacked out. I don't think I stirred until nine when my alarm went off and I woke up in a strange position––which is unusual for me. I rarely sleep for more than a few hours at a time without waking up. The stranger thing though is how I feel. I still have a cold (although now I suspect it's a sinus infection), but I feel nearly completely new. Like, as if I woke up and was nine years old or something, with a complete sense of disconnect with everything before waking up. And more alive somehow. I guess I've actually felt like this quite a number of times before––though of course it doesn't feel like I have. Almost anytime I wake up after having a fever I feel like this (though it doesn't seem I actually had one). The funny thing is, I seem to remember always feeling like this when I woke up as a kid. I remember pretty typically feeling awful every night, like I was carrying more and more stress and anxiety and guilt the longer the day went on, and by the night it was unbearable. But then, every morning, I felt completely new, like that was all gone and this day was a completely fresh start. Then sometime in my early teens though, that completely stopped, and I started waking up worried about all the same things I was worried about when I went to bed. And then in college, I'd generally wake up almost with an anxiety attack, which would slowly dissipate throughout the day, until it got to be night. And at night I'd feel the best. I guess that's just a fairly normal part of growing up, but sometimes I miss feeling really new in the morning. So that's why the state I'm in right now is somewhat unusual––and I felt like writing about it. I feel pretty darn new. It's just too bad it takes being sick to feel that way.

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