Well... it's been a kind of crazy day. Oral Comm speeches are getting to be due... and I volunteered to go on the first available day (Friday) thinking that I was almost ready and that I should get it out of the way quickly before I really had time to get nervous. Unfortunately I had a lot more to do than I realized this morning when I somewhat compulsively raised my hand... and the rest of the day was spent frantically outlining and looking up sources, and finally rehearsing the speech that is due in about 48 hours and that I hadn't even started writing yet (aside from in my brain). I have the outline just about done now though, and I think it will be just perfectly under the time limit (I'm a little worried about that, because it's a fairly complex topic for a five minute speech and you get an automatic D if you go too far over time.) so now I'm sitting back and taking my first real breath since 9: 35 this morning when I momentarily lost my sanity and volunteered to do this in the first place.
So I've been reflecting... looking over blog posts of what I was doing this time last year... and it amazed me how much things have changed... and I've changed. But then again, looking at how I thought about things then, I haven't changed as much as perhaps I had thought... and yes, my circumstances have changed drastically in some ways since then... and yet really they haven't changed that much. I was thinking about that the other day as I walked from one of the outer commuter parking lots at Mansfield... how I've really had a remarkably stable life... almost bizarrely... I've lived in more or less the same place for my entire life. My parents are together. My Grandparents are all alive and live close. Things have stayed almost frozen in time in some ways.
And yet there has been so much chaos... I've lived through two big church splits (and several small ones) and lost almost all the friends involved both times; my Dad has started more businesses than I can name here... all starting with so much excitement and yet so much panic... I can remember a year when about every week he would come home and say it was all over, and this was the worst it's ever been, and we are going bankrupt. There was a crazy artist that I thought was my friend... and a football team... and several rock stars (not that I met any of them), and lots of surreal events that make me look back and think "Wow... that actually happened?" I started life as an only child... and now I have five siblings! One of them is from China. Go and figure. We were farmers... we were loggers, we were glass craftsmen. My Dad had a stroke and almost died... but he didn't. If we had a fortune for every business plan that culminated in one in the last five years, I would be rich. But we're not. If we had folded once for every time that we were sure it was over the magnitude of our crisis would rival that of the one on Wall Street right now (though I doubt the government would he bailing us out). But we haven't... which brings me back to the point of things not really changing... like I'm watching all of this from behind a screen... like the LCD screens that I spend so much of my time behind... and rant, and sympathize, and kill and flirt and die... but in the end I'm still just sitting here behind the screen and everything around me is really the same as it was before.
Now, there is a superstitious side of me that almost thinks I should stop this post, and delete it, because I'm somehow asking for things to change in a way that I won't like....
Then, it should also be a time to realize how much Grace God has had on me and my family, that disaster had been so close so many times, and has miraculously been averted... on the other had, it seems like crazy success has been so close... but it never happened either? I suppose that's another question I probably shouldn't ask, because I'm grateful for all the mercy that I've been shown... and all this is really nothing in the end compared to how much mercy I was shown in God not having eternal wrath on me for being such a neurotic sinner... and on all of us for falling. But then... I've always wondered... why did we have to fall in the first place? I used to torture myself over that a lot... (after I first read the Westminster Catechism in 8th grade especially). So maybe I'm just asking maybe I'm just getting back to the same questions that I asked five years ago when I was thirteen... it was on a theoretical level then... but now just applying it to reality. Why are things as good as they are? Why aren't they better?
So that's actually why I have had this blog titled the floating world... because of not knowing if I'm moving forward or backward or just in a state of equilibrium....
So, that was random... or abstract... but I think only to the extent that everything is abstract... and now I've made the full circle in my feeble mind... and everything from here will just be smaller circles, so I better sign off before it becomes [more] apparent that I'm just a bombastic idiot with no real solutions.
So... it is always interesting to look back at posts from the year before, or even earlier. Just not to often, as it usually precipitates this kind of nonsense. Perhaps next year I'll look back at this one... and perhaps I will have to change the name of this blog, because 'The floating world' in light of events that have transpired, will seem as inaccurate as it probably truly is. I hope and pray that they will be good changes... or that I'll be given the right frame of mind to be at peace with them at the time.